When will my life begin?
If you’ve seen Tangled, there’s a song in it where Rapunzel sings, “When will my life begin?” I know I’m in a very different situation from Rapunzel (thank goodness I haven’t been locked in a tower for 15+ years), but those words still struck a note with me. Getting older has always meant getting closer to more freedom and the life that I want to live. And yet, the older I get, the more I feel like I’m still waiting for something.
When I was in middle school, I was having a rough time fitting in. Everyone always said just wait till high school, things will get better.
In high school things got a little better in terms of fitting in, but I hit astronomical stress levels trying to get good grades. Put in the work now they said, it’ll be worth it for college. College will be the best years of your life.
In college, I still felt bogged down with studying. There was a bit more fun and camaraderie in-between, but we still had to put in maximum effort in order to launch a successful career after college. I started waiting for graduation. Then I’d be an adult and be completely free to do what I want.
That was a lie. Now, I keep waiting for the next raise, waiting for the weekend, waiting for the days where I can afford a house. I feel like society has drilled it into me that I will not be a full-fledged adult until I have my own house.
Once I get that house, I’m guessing I’ll have to wait until I pay off my mortgage. I’ll have to wait until I get married and have kids. I’ll have to wait until retirement.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll live long enough to make it to retirement. I wonder if my body will be able to do what it is that I want to do by that age. What will I be waiting for then? I’m sure it’ll be something. Like waiting for my grandkids to be old enough to not need a babysitter. Or waiting to pay off the debt of my kid’s college. Waiting, waiting, waiting for my life to begin.
I go through random moments where all I want to do is quit my job. I want a break, and I don’t want to wait for when life will allow me to take a break anymore. I want to lay in bed all day. Do the things I’ve always wanted to do, like learn another language, make art, write, learn how to paddle board, travel. That’s it. That’s all I want. To live my quiet life and not have to deal with upset people day in and day out. Not have to worry about the cost of it all. But that’s not how society works.
I live in Los Angeles. The poverty line for a single person is $66,750 per year. The typical house costs $991,551 according to Zillow. I can’t afford a break. I can’t afford to enjoy life or take care of my mental health.
I see influencers make the jump to quit their jobs and travel the world. I live vicariously through them, knowing full well that I would never make a move like that. I’m not always going to be young and fit, and I want to be able to support that future self. What if there are unforeseen medical bills? What if there are other people I’ll have to support someday? I’m doing my best to focus on saving for that future self. So again, I’m waiting. I’m holding out. I’m keeping steady.
And yet, I still dream of the life that I could be living if I suddenly decided all of that doesn’t matter and I’m just going to live for my present self. I’m working on striking a balance, a balance that has been tipped towards maximum saving and minimum enjoyment for the entirety of my life. And it’s actually really difficult to try to retrain my mentality. My first step was last week when I finally decided to pay for dance classes for myself. I haven’t danced for three years, partly because of covid and partly because I could never justify spending the money. We’ll see where this new mentality will take me.
